Thanks to all that have sent me such informative emails!!
>>Because of them:
>>
>> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
>>crap in the glue
>> on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
>>envelope that
>> needs sealing.
>>
>> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
>>same reason.
>>
>> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
>>(Penny Brown)
>> who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>>
>> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once
>>I receive the
>> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>>participating
>> in their special e-mail program.
>>
>> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
>>looking out
>> for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>>
>> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
>>horrible mutant
>> freaks with no ey es or feathers. I can't enjoy a good Latte
>>from Starbucks
>> anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor
>>Army Sgt who
>> requested it. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
>>though I smell
>> like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>>
>> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
>>answered if I forward
>> an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
>>minutes.
>>
>> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
>>it can remove
>> toilet stains.
>>
>> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to
>>watch the car so
>> a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
>>gas.
>>
>> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
>>make these
>> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
>>cans.
>>
>> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
>>cancer.
>>
>> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in
>>the microwave
>> anymore because it will b low up in my face...disfiguring me
>>for life.
>>
>> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
>>with a perfume
>> sample and rob me.
>>
>> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
>>support our
>> American troops or the Salvation Army.
>>
>> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
>>dial a number
>> for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
>>Uganda, Singapore,
>> and Uzbekistan.
>>
>> I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can
>>now cough myself
>> back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.
>>
>> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I
>>receive my free
>> replacement pair from Nike.
>>
>> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
>>now have their
>> recipe.
>>
>> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
>>big brown
>> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
>>death when it
>> bites my butt.
>>
>> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has
>>given us. I can
>> live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
>>everything. And what he didn't tell us, George Carlin did in
>>remarkably clean language!
>>
>> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
>>dropped in the
>> parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
>>molester waiting
>> underneath my car to grab my leg.
>>
>> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
>>the next 70
>> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
>>5:00 PM this
>> afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
>>causing you to
>> grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
>>happened to a
>> friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
>>husband's
>> cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.
>>
>> Have a wonderful day, and you are welcome !!
>>